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Cavorite: Hawken Sonnet

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#1
Merl61

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My first so be nice:) I know it's rough. Comments welcome.

 

Cavorite


They the many, we the few,

Move forward into the night.

Yearning to feel the morning’s dew,

to taste that Cavorite.

Too long has the war raged and raged.

Too many souls are done.

Too long have pilots been engaged.

Too long since we've seen the Sun.

Fly on, fly on, we hear the call,

Clamber out, and touch the dawn.

But the few will never see Illal.

We don’t get to re-spawn.
O sacred prize for which we once sought,

Long paid for, never bought.


Edited by Merl61, 16 April 2015 - 10:22 PM.

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#2
Bratwurst

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Beautifully done mate.


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#3
Merl61

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Beautifully done mate.

Thank you:)

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#4
Dawn_of_Ash

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I admit that I'm not the best when it comes to critiquing poetry, but I can say that I really liked this, Merl. :) One thing that I found reading it difficult though is trying to pick up the pattern. I think that if you add a stanza after every four lines, that it would look a bit neater and help distinguish the pattern of the poem - but that's just my opinion as a too harsh critique. ^^

 

Overall, I'd say you did a great job here, Merl. I hope to see some more poetry now that you've done your first! :D


Edited by Dawn_of_Ash, 16 April 2015 - 10:33 PM.


#5
Merl61

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I admit that I'm not the best when it comes to critiquing poetry, but I can say that I really liked this, Merl. :) One thing that I found reading it difficult though is trying to pick up the pattern. I think that if you add a stanza after every four lines, that it would look a bit neater and help distinguish the pattern of the poem - but that's just my opinion as a too harsh critique. ^^

Overall, I'd say you did a great job here, Merl. I hope to see some more poetry now that you've done your first! :D

Three quatrains and a heroic couplet. It's a sonnet:P ABABCDCDEFEFGG rhyme scheme. Ah well. I tried:P

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#6
LoC_TR

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Made me tear up.. thanks merly


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#7
KilleR_OrigiNs

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Redacted.


Edited by KilleR_OrigiNs, 30 April 2015 - 10:36 PM.

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#8
Merl61

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That's truly fantastic work, it felt like HAWKEN's own poem, like the one from Interstellar.

That's exactly what I was going for:)

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#9
ticklemyiguana

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Why this has as many likes as my drunken attempt at fanfic, I will never know.


Spoiler

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#10
Amidatelion

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Yeah so this happened.

 


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#11
KilleR_OrigiNs

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Redacted. 


Edited by KilleR_OrigiNs, 30 April 2015 - 11:43 PM.


#12
Guns_N_Rozer

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noice work Merly merl  :thumbsup: yeah feels like Hawken's own poem 



#13
(P:B)Augmentia

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A Haiku of appreciation for poetry:

 

This poem is good.

It entices real thoughts.

It is snowing on Mount Fuji.


I am MM
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#14
eth0

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That ending was too good, I need tissues.
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Pubstomping is a whole different strategic discussion, however, and usually just becomes an exploration of the ethics of dumpstering randos.

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