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No Good, Trouble in the Hood: Berserk Edition (Archive Ed.)

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#1
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

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Archive ed.
 
I posted this thread in the older Hawken forum when the Berserker was in, largely, the same state as it was now. I was recently reminded of my post by another forum-goer. How fitting, then, that I should post this thread again and hope that the Berserker be reworked according to my suggestions!
 

Hey weren't you the guy who made the zerker not op thread? [...]

 

If anyone has copies of my other grand suggestionstm, please feel free to PM them to me so that I may perhaps refurbish them and reproduce them for posterity here at the new forum! (And I'm sure they are equally applicable to Hawken now.)

 

---

To my dear friends who sit with me (I jest -- my friends, we are separated by unimaginable distances covered by only imagination alone) gazing across the wondrous interface of Hawken's forum,
 
Time has made me weary, just as it had made me wary. The daily war of struggles left me wary of people, those sometimes dainty creatures of integrity who at some times are possessed by ulterior prejudices, and sometimes those battles lead my spirit awry into dismal outlook. Perhaps, I might say, some number of times too many, and that has left me weary. Weary, perhaps, but not defeated. Well, defeated, perhaps, once or twice, but as it goes, I go too, and now I return to this wonderful community.
 
Now hold there! -- I describe this community that has grown around Hawken as wonderful, but not Hawken itself!
 
As I struggle to find income in an economy seemingly bereft of hope for those oppressed -- as I struggle to find a home in a city filled with hopes -- as I struggle with hopeless bureaucracy and hopeless people -- even one such as I desire but a moment's relief from the daily war!
 
I, fairly recently and I would estimate a few days before the recent, so-called “minor” May patch (how dare Meteor lie?), found myself on a brief visit to my family's home. There, I updated to the then-most-up-to-date patch for Hawken and played a few matches, eager to see what changes the developers have made while I enjoy a break from reality. In particular, I was hoping my hopes and dreams would be realized -- that at last the Berserker fly without hesitation and soar freely throughout the skies to annihilate all of my enemies!
 
Alight! Alight, alight my foes with the Point-D Vulcan! Fire! Fire, fire stokes my heart and puts my opponents to rest! From above, my mech would rain death and destruction and my foes would be laid low, and in woe they would lie, still. Amen.
 
Amen -- hah! Amen to my hopes and dreams! As I gripped my spacebar, my hopes and dreams were ripped from my heart, and so too my brief relief! Amen.
 
No, my Berserker did not fly unhindered by fuel. No, my Berserker did not paint my enemies in red. No, my Berserker did not spread its wings and scream with its machine gun and claw with its TOW Rockets. Instead, it whimpered, as it did before. Not even the update to crush damage could un-crush my spirit. “Revenge,” my soul begged, “revenge!”
 
Clearly, the problem I had perceived was not on the minds of the developers, nor on those of the community, and therefore, clearly, I must impress what must happen for the next patch to realize my hopes and dreams -- clearly.
 
Presently, the Berserker simply does not live up to its name. The question then is what sort of mech can live up to the name, “Berserker?” Read on, my friends.
 
A mech that can truly live up to a name as original and fear-inducing as “Berserker” must also be original and fear-inducing. The solution is two-fold: first, that mech must be able to teleport. No other mech can teleport, therefore this ability will allow our hypothetical mech to fulfil the requirement of originality. Second, our mech must be able to fly without limitation. Nothing strikes more fear into a person's heart than a massive, flying mech about to either crush them or fill them with bullets. Thus, our mech is fear-inducing.
 
There are still a few details that remain to be ironed out to fully realize the potential a name of “Berserker” provides. First, the reworked Berserker must be able to teleport at any time and to any place. For balance purposes, however, the Berserker will be restricted to teleporting only to virtual locations in Hawken's servers, and only within the regions bounded by the playable map area as determined by the developer. This is to prevent manslaughter charges from occurring in real life and the destruction of property (perhaps we'll make an exception for those whose properties are symbols or institutions of oppression -- then teleport away!).
 
Second, the reworked Berserker shall not only have unlimited fuel so long as it is in the air, but it shall also be able to achieve hit-scan speeds through its new-found flight capabilities. In concert with the implication that its momentum can now reach terrifying levels, it shall be able to inflict crush damage from any direction and the amount of crush damage shall be limited only by the maximum amount the data type that represents damage can hold. Because this may terrify new pilots of the Berserker who may not be able to control this most horrific beast, the balance consideration here shall be thus: new players of the Berserker suffer no fall or crush damage.
 
Third and last, the reworked Berserker will have both its primary and secondary weapon replaced by a “Point-D Vulcan Mk. II.” The Point-D Vulcan Mk. II will fire three times faster than the normal Point-D Vulcan and have a much more fearsome sound effect.
 
Following these changes to the Berserker, I think the Berserker will perhaps realize my hopes and dreams (of destroying my friends here at the Hawken forum), and my day-to-day struggles will be lightened by the thought that when I at last find myself a comfortable home, job, and life, I will be able to enjoy Hawken once again like in the days of alpha. All of my problems shall be solved and the world shall be perfect.
 
Amen.


Edited by WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, 19 April 2015 - 08:52 AM.

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Thank you for your time,

 

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW


#2
Aregon

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Spoiler

 

No matter how beautifully written this is, it does still make me question if you do or do not use drugs. 


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CRITICAL ASSIST

United in Diversity, Divided by Zero
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#3
Miscellaneous

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So....

 

TL;DR - Beserker should be able to:

- Fly forever (At the speed of a bullet)

 

- Teleport forever

 

- Inflict crushing damage from all directions, which should be an instagib

 

- Have 3 times the DPS on it's primary

 

- Have a "Fearsome" noise on the primary, and it's secondary is also this primary.


Edited by Miscellaneous, 19 April 2015 - 09:44 AM.

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KOBALT DEFENCE REGIMENT

...and let slip the dogs of war...

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Spoiler

#4
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

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So....

 

TL;DR - Beserker should be able to:

- Fly forever (At the speed of a bullet)

 

- Teleport forever

 

- Inflict crushing damage from all directions, which should be an instagib

 

- Have 3 times the DPS on it's primary

Yes, my friend! You have understood me almost perfectly! Credit where credit due. However, I would like to note that you have missed adding a new fearsome sound effect! And replacing its secondary with the suggested primary!


Thank you for your time,

 

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW


#5
LaurenEmily

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I wanna add that old painting meme again with the 'dafug did i just read' thing but i fear it becomes overused


CdbY2zw.gifRjGv7Ax.gif

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#6
sabrehawk90

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As a zerker main, I have no words.


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#7
Rainbow_Sheep

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Well if the current sound is comparable to a lawn mower, the new Vulcan needs to sound like Satan himself with a guitar, completing blistering riffs, lava-hot licks and emotionally crippling power ballads.
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Spoiler

#8
Aregon

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I wanna add that old painting meme again with the 'dafug did i just read' thing but i fear it becomes overused

On this forum you will need it.


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CRITICAL ASSIST

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#9
BuffMyRadius

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You have touched upon one of my few complaints about this game, the cheesy Vulcan sound effect. I think at some point the sound effect for it was changed out because it used to have a longer spool up time and massive, booming shots that could be heard halfway across the map.

 

I specifically remember pulling the trigger to spool the thing up when I felt I was about to get jumped. If you were ever caught by surprise the Vulcan took so long to spin up you'd be halfway dead by the time it came up to speed. Pilots wised up and walked around pulse firing it to keep it spooled and experienced pilots would start firing a few seconds before they engaged an enemy, then proceed to shred them to ribbons in a matter of seconds. I remember the fear of hearing one of those things coming on to full song. Ah, the nostalgia.

Then it was nerfed, which was the right thing to do, but man do I miss that weapon.

Maybe some day we can get a "big speaker" sound set designed to shake house foundations and unapologetically blow the surrounds on headphones of those foolish enough to enable it thinking that any pair of headphones will ever be able to replicate the noise that a gun that fires shells the size of bowling pins might make.


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#10
EM1O

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*cue sound track of industrial mountain-caterpillar mounted hispeed pneumatic chainsaw*

(you know, one of those things that reaches out, clamps a tree base, goes RooOOOAAAr, and cuts through a 3-foot thick tree trunk in 2 seconds?)

 

+1

 

now if you can just caress my Bruiser's hellfires with super-glue sticky missile lockon, and give them a Death-Scream acceleration boost, the old Bruiser-Zerk duels would be even Moar Epik!


#:  chown -R us ./base

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"...oh great Itzamna, you shall know Us by the trail of Dead."


#11
Jelooboi

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C class G2 BERserker pls. trio tow shotgun for secondary and quadro semi auto breacher por favor de nada. total chronic keking and massive rip in peace ground mechs. 

"Fly in air very long time." -CapNjesh, the cornflakes man from that one cereal box you never picked in the cereal isle.

mega profit devs I WILL pay $100 thats enough for the new devs to eat for one whole week...

if you were in Afghanistan... 

-jelubi, the somber prince, the fat dancer


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#12
sabrehawk90

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C class G2 BERserker pls. trio tow shotgun for secondary and quadro semi auto breacher por favor de nada. total chronic keking and massive rip in peace ground mechs. 

 

That sounds terrifying. Not only power terrifying, but also ridiculous terrifying.


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