Posted March 29 2013 - 10:29 AM
Alright! Glad you finally got around to posting your fan fiction. I'm looking forward to the additional content and the continuation of the story.
It's tricky to pull off dialogue, but you manage to do it a lot better than many fan-fictions I've read! I honestly can't believe you are just 12! Great job, man!
Like Eldritch_Abomination said in his post, more descriptive language would help to flesh out the story more. Granted, it can be a bit boring writing up a bunch of descriptors for items and environments, but it helps to expand the world you are creating and makes for a more exciting read. However, there is a line between giving enough details and going over board and boring the readers. If you don't mind, I am going to take a section you wrote and rewrite it with a bit more descriptors as well as a few adjustments. Please don't be intimidated by it. I am not intending to overwrite your story. It's your story, you should write it how you see fit. I am only showing you an example. I hope it helps. Note: I edited a word and replaced it with "heck", but thats just for the forum filters. Stick with the word you used.
Your version:
[font=Verdana]“Stop! You are not allowed to exit prisoners. Go back.”[/font]
[font=Verdana]Reed looked at them with his jaw dropping. “You are telling me that you want us to go back into a living [/font][font=Verdana]"heck" [/font][font=Verdana]back there! You are insane!” Just then the metal wall that the guards were protecting blew into flaming pieces of hot metal. One of them had a large shard of metal find its way into their back. The other was knocked out. When Reed looked at Quincy he had a piece of metal stuck in the bottom left part on his torso.[/font]
Now here is my version:
The guards snapped their assault rifles up upon seeing Reed and Quincy, the light from the ceiling lights reflecting off their rifle scopes. Two laser dots appeared on his chest and flitted to and fro, like a bee lining up a meal from a flower. One wrong move, and it would be one "heck" of a sting. "Halt!" the guard on the left yelled, "Prisoners are not allowed to exit the facility! Go back or we will use lethal force!" Reed looked at them, his face twisting incredulously. "You're kidding, right_! You're expecting us to go back to that living "heck"_! You're insane!" The guards shot a quick glance at one another. They hadn't ever faced a prisoner who had stood up to them like this when faced against such odds. They shifted their grip on their rifles and steadied their aim. The guard on the left opened his mouth again to speak, when suddenly the metal wall that they were standing guard over exploded in a shower of molten slag and shards of metal. A large metal shard lodged itself into the left guard's back. He arched his back, a look of shock on his face. His last words coming out as a series of stuttered gasps before collapsing to the floor. Another metal chunk slammed into the back of the right guard's helmet. With a bobbled twitch, the right guard slumped to the floor, unconscious. Reed threw his hands up over his face in an attempt to shield himself from the debris. Suddenly, Reed heard Quincy cry out in pain. He looked over, and saw a jagged piece of metal the size of a large bowie knife sticking out of Quincy's left torso.
Like I said, this is only an example.
I am looking forward to more of your work! Keep it up!!
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The_Eldritch_Abomination, on March 28 2013 - 09:43 PM, said:
