Continue This Story:
Posted September 11 2014 - 07:44 PM
*AHEM! I digress. The story begins thusly:
A man named "Steve" paces cautiously down the boulevard, with the brim of his hat pulled down quite low.
There was no sound except that of his feet, and for some reason, machineguns were ready to "roll".
Whether you are ready for this or not, or if you are or are not sitting on the edge of your seat, bullets begin to fly out of a doorway, in tune to some unheard beat.
At this point, someone, and apparently not the first, "bites the dust".
The man that was killed was apparently an alien and his death caused a device he was wearing to activate, generating a strange portal.
One of the shooters passes through it out of curiosity, causing a reverse polarization effect on the sub-magnetic time field, causing every cat in the world to speak Japanese for 5 minutes.
After the cats stop speaking Japanese, they all morph into German Gibbersnatchers, and steal all of the world's supply of zinc.
With all of the world's zinc stolen and shipped out to the planet Alpha Ceti 5, the world leaders will be given no choice but to play a massive game of checkers using famous monuments as the board pieces. But since the game of checkers requires two specific varieties of pieces, and none of the world monuments even remotely resemble one another, the game fails before it even starts.
With the worlds monuments all removed from their respective locations and dumped erroneously into the gulf of Mexico, the worlds citizens become furious with their leader's shameful wastefulness, and organize a massive cookie bake protest.
The presence of so many cookies in one place fulfills the long awaited prophecy of the dark one, whose power grows when he eats cookies. Seeing an opportunity, this "dark one" attacks the massive bake protest, and eata all the cookies. With his power finally complete, the Cookie Monster finally secures rule over the entire world, establishing his castle capitol on the street called "Sesame".
Posted September 11 2014 - 09:34 PM
Archibold Gluck was born into such a camp. Camp 7b-95 to be exact. Archibold, or Archie as his few friends and family called him, would try and build things to improve his family's life from a young age. He took what scraps of old electronics and mechanical devices that he could find in order to build his little inventions. Around age 12 some guards found him building a radio to communicate with the outside world, and he was transferred to a high security facility. Because of his young age, the government decided to try and "reform" Archie, in the hopes that they could put his inventive mind to use. Archie spent the next 6 years in the high security government reformation school. Upon leaving he was hired by the Cookie Monsters military science division and immediately put to work on a top secret project.
Had Archie really changed, or was he playing the long game to try and create a better life for those he grew up with... Only time would tell...
Posted September 13 2014 - 07:19 PM
Cookie Monsters military tried to revive him and succeed however Archie has now become wheelchair bound due to his body being weakened after such a fatal experiment
Posted September 25 2014 - 01:22 AM
Posted September 25 2014 - 04:06 PM
But then Chuck Norris stroked his magical beard, and everything was restored to its previous state just before the nuke went off. So, of course, the nuke went off again. But this time, Chuck was there to grab it, and squeezing tightly, contained the blast in his right fist, saving everyone.
Posted September 27 2014 - 11:25 AM
Meanwhile, the cats came back to their senses. They begin to speak english now.
Meow 1: oh no!! We stole our planet's supply of zinc!
Meeow : we should take it back!
Meeeow : But how__
Meeeeow : Lets open a portal and get it back like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Cats or TMNC!
Meeeeeow : To the portal!!
And so the TMNC head to the portal with the entire supply of zinc after vanquishing the entire alien race on Alpha Ceti 5. Zoooom!
When they reach Earth, peace is restored.
But things were not yet over. The cookie monster had made a huge army of cookie bots which stole the worlds monuments from the Gulf of mexico. This made the world to go into a second protest, the Pizza protest.
But then my friends, this created the situation for the rise of the "light one". The hero! Being the cheif cook, the "light one" secretly stole the entire pizza supply making him all powerful. Then he sets out on a mission to defeat the cookie monster.
He uses his magical powers to hire a plane and goes to Sesame Street. But then, the cookie monster opens his time machine and travels through time. Not wanting to miss out on the action, the light one A.K.A Pizza guy jumps after him.
As the dust settles, Pizza guy sneezes. He is allergic to dust. He looks at himself. He is wearing a cowboy suit. He is standing in the wild west. 15 metres away the cookie monster takes out his gun and says," This town ain't big for the both of us, Pizza guy. Just you and me." All of a sudden, the town bell strikes and the people rush to their homes.
They take out their guns and stand at ease. Their sweat flowing down their heads. Life of a gunslinger is tough!!
Posted September 27 2014 - 10:34 PM
So after a few days of space travel, he arrived and activated his transporter device, and beamed down to the planet. He then activated his camouflage system, and his outward appearance changed to look like that of the locals, including their bodies, as well as their dress.
Looking himself over, he was satisfied that he was sufficiently disguised, and set out to learn more about these strange Homos (fuzzy bunny being the first part of the scientific name those people had assigned to themselves).
So he pulled down the brim of the oddly shaped hat he was wearing (it was SO odd! It was a hat, but it didn't even have a feeding hatch. How odd!).
He walked into the nearest town, and just as he entered its center, he began to get an odd feeling; all the townsfolk were gone, apparently indoors. All was quite. He walked straight the middle of the road, entranced by a large white building with a cross shaped object projecting from its roof. Evidently a place of worship, he decided this would be an excellent opportunity to learn more about this strange culture. But just as he reached the center of the road, having been so absorbed by the strange building's architecture, he failed to notice the two men standing opposite each other, with him in the center.
The two men were the "Cookie Monster", a violently egomaniacal despotic ruler with a taste for cookies, and the "Pizza Guy", of whom little was known except that he opposed the Cookie Monster. But Steve the alien could not have known this. The last thing he heard was a sneeze. When he turned to look at the source of the sound, he was shot dead. One of the bullets hit his transporter device, causing it to malfunction (a design oversight created by the GlipGlorp TelePORTER Manufacturing conglomerate, for which a recall had been issued for all GlipGlorp TelePORTER teleportation devices, which Steve never had gotten around to getting fixed).
Pizza guy had been successful in his mission, however. The Cookie Monster was dead, his bullets having been absorbed by the oblivious man that had crossed the street. However, next to that man, on the ground was a device which was emitting a strange light. Pizza Guy approached it, intending to investigate, but as he approached the light swelled to envelope him, teleporting him to the alien's ship....
The time paradox that SHOULD have resulted from this was prevented because of the nature of the ship's warp drive engines (somehow). As a result, cookie Monster remained defeated, and the cats did not morph into gibbersnatchers (although they DID still end up speaking Japanese for 5 minutes, an odd event that would turn out to be unrelated to Steve the alien's broken device). As it turned out, however, the world leaders still attempted to play checkers with the world's famous monuments (evidently, they had planned to do this from the beginning, but saw the disappearance of the world's zinc supply as a good excuse the first time), the shameful event known as "The Monumental Stupid" still occurred, as did the cookie bake protest, and of course the Cookie Monster's rise to power. But with the arrival of Pizza Guy, and their subsequent disappearance into the past, the cookie monster and pizza guy never returned, leaving the entire world with cats that spoke Japanese for 5 minutes (and still no explanation as to why), and all the world's monuments still in the gulf of mexico.
It seemed that nobody knew what happened originally. Except one. ONE man still remembered, somehow, what the original timeline contained.
That man, was Archie...
TO BE CONTINUED!
Posted October 27 2014 - 12:46 AM
This world, called Torth-Taa, was a fairly lonely place, with only three other distinct sets of lifeforms besides the NiAnGar, and no neighboring worlds at all. The Rutk were small and inconsequential. The Yurart would have been just as pointless, if not for being so incredibly delicious. And the Gelusi were so incredibly stupid, that they managed to become one of the most hated species in the known and unknown multiverse. They were even hated by beings incapable of the Urd, and therefore incapable of even having any knowledge of the Gelusi at all.
It was due to this great stupidity that the denizens of Alpha Ceti 5 went to war with the Gelusi. How would you go about waging war on something that you cannot possibly even know existed in the first place, you ask_ Well, the people of Alpha Ceti 5 hatched a plan, a plan so convoluted and insane that it could not possibly fail. A plan involving cats, zinc, and a warrior prince named Aercie. What was this plan_ Only the Omega Mega Minds of Alpha Ceti 5 could tell you, but you still would not understand.
But, even as the Omega Mega Minds of Alpha Ceti 5 were setting their plans in motion, the NiAnGar Dustlord Throoth was hatching a much simpler plan to deal with the idiotic Gelusi. Throoth's plan was to create a voracious beast of endless appetite to devour every last Gelusi on their planet. He set the three best Genesculptors the NiAnGar had to the task of crafting this "Gelusivore".
After working for twenty seven pasturns, the Genesculptors were nearing completion of their grand masterpiece. Meanwhile, in a nearby village, a young Gelusi was making a sandwich. This sandwich included sand, a witch, and a cookie. Through a series of events that could only be described as "really, really stupid", the Gelusi's sandwich ended up in the genetic mixture of the Gelusivore right as it was being completed.
Because of this, once the Gelusivore awoke, it was discovered that it craved not the flesh of the Gelusi, but cookies. Horrified by this turn of events, and fearing for their precious cookie hoards, the NiAnGar Urdite Whisperers banished the monstrous Cookievore from their realm, never to be seen again.
Perhaps the Genesculptors would try again in a few pasturns. But this time, they would be extra careful to keep the Gelusi from mixing cookies or pizza or something even more idiotic into their genetic mixtures. Until then, the battle against the stupidity continues.
Posted October 27 2014 - 12:26 PM
Being the crown warrior prince of his people, it was he who had been chosen to go to the planet "Dirt" (such a strange name)and find a way to deal with the monstrosity the NiAnGar had inadvertently created, either by destruction, or, if possible, subduction and recovery(the latter being the preferred. If it could be recovered, the genesculptors of the NiAnGar might be able to correct their mistake). So, utilizing the original blueprint used to create the original failed Gelusivore, he set about working on his creation.
Even as he had worked for the monstrosity's war machine, designing weapons of domination, in secret he grew the new gelusivore in a secret room built into his private lab. Once he had neared completion, he deviated from the blueprints. Just as the monstrosity had been born as a result of the addition of sand, a witch and a cookie, he added the polar opposite ingredients; water, a wizard, and a slice of pizza. Being the polar opposite of the cookievore, he would inevitably seek out and destroy it, just as the cookievore would seek out and destroy the "pizzavore".
It had been Aercie's plan that they would destroy one another. Allowing him, and his people, to return to their original plan to annihilate the Gelusi in cooperation with the NiAnGar. However, even with the Urd to ward his ever-know, Aercie could not have foreseen the monumental stupidity of the one known as "Steve". Truly, the stupidest of his kind, Steve the Gelusi had thrown a monumentaly stupid wrench into Aercie's plans. Due to a monitoring device planted on the pizzavore, Aercie had been able to see the battle between the two "vores" play out. He watched in horror as the cookie monster was slain, and pizza guy, alive, transported to the Gelusi's ship. Having lost contact with the tracking device, he had to assume the ship's warp engines had created a time bubble paradoxikiser, sealing it away and out of Aercie's reach for, at minimum, several thousand pasturns.
All this raced through Aercie's head as he contemplated how to deal with the situation. Then he realized something; a thought that had passed through his mind. What was it_ "Monumental Stupid"_ No. It couldn't be. COULD IT_ The event! The one known as the "Monumental Stupid"! Could it be that the Gelusi were already here_ Having infiltrated this world's leadership_ It would explain a lot: the presence of a time traveling tourist Gelusi in the old west times (a stupid time period to visit). The sheer stupidity of the world's leadership_ Just what was going on here_
No. No. NOOOOOOOOOO! NONONONONONONONO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aercie, warrior prince of his people, had miscalculated severely. His problems were now much, much, worse. The gelusi were SPREADING. Cats spoke Japanese briefly (he still didn't know why), historic monuments where in the gulf of mexico, pizza guy was still alive to one day in the distant future return and wreak havoc just as cookie monster had (they were SUPPOSED to destroy one another!), AND, as if all that weren't bad enough, the planet was STILL lacking a ketchup-opener, leaving everyone with bland, boring, ketchup-less French fries.
-To be continued.
Edited by Galvanized_Eagle, October 27 2014 - 12:32 PM.
Posted October 28 2014 - 07:10 PM
Balnora sat in her throne room aboard the flagship Halgar of the Alpha Ceti 6 war fleet. She had not had any ketchup for 32 welks now, and was growing more an more irritable with every tharn that passed. She had tried everything she could think of to replace the ketchup that still sat locked away, just out of reach in the royal ketchup bottles, but nothing even came close. Not even katsu sauce, which she had heard was supposed to be Japanese ketchup, but it was not good enough.
Out of desperation, she launched her royal war fleet to kidnap the Ketchup Opener known as Chuck, from the planet called Dirt, that her spies had told her about. But when they arrived, she found that he was no longer capable of opening ketchup bottles, and was useless to her. So the fleet left Dirt in search of a new Ketchup Opener. Perhaps their mortal enemies on Alpha Ceti 5 had not left any defensive forces while their assault fleet was away, and they could sneak in and kidnap their Ketchup Opener_ It was worth a try.
But once they arrived back in the Alpha Ceti system, they found that even the Grand Ketchup Opener of Alpha Ceti 5 was missing, and presumed dead. Apparently he had tried to open a bottle of salsa, and it had imploded into a tequila wormhole and sucked him in, sending him to some unknown part of the universe. So, finding nothing useful there, the fleet left the Alpha Ceti system, to search other star systems for a Ketchup Opener.
As the fleet went from star system to star system, they found that every planet they visited had recently lost their Ketchup Opener to some random, and always stupid event. The royal Conspiratheorizers started to see patterns in these events, patterns that did not look good for the fate of any ketchup loving species in the multiverse. Someone, or some thing, was sabotaging the Ketchup Openers!
Throoth conferred with the Urdite Whisperers about dreams he had been having recently. Rivers of delicious red flowing through the universe, covering whole galaxies like Yurart syrup covers sandcakes. But then it was suddenly cut off, and the galaxies screamed, and cried, and were bland and tasteless forever after. What could these dreams mean_
Gurna, the Urdite whispermaster, had seen visions of events similar to Throoth's dreams. She had seen entire galaxies of creatures enjoying what they call catsup on their food, only to lose their access to it all at the same time. She had seen their most prized citizen, the Ketchup Opener, killed or grievously injured through bizarre and seemingly too stupid to be real events.
After discussing the situation, the Urdite Whisperers and Throoth came to the conclusion that the Gelusi had to be behind this. Only they were stupid enough to cause something like this. But, what could be done about it_ The idiocy of the Gelusi had so far proved too powerful for any plans made against them.
Hmmm... But perhaps there was someone, somewhere that was immune to their stupidity, and possibly they could be successful_ As Throoth said this, one of the Urdite Whisperers had a vision, a vision of a warrior prince named Aercie. Born under the tyrannical rule of the monster the Genesculptors had inadvertently created, and therefore directly affected by the Gelusi from his birth, perhaps he could be the one_
Now, they only need to find a way to contact this Aercie, and help him fulfill his mission, before it is too late. Before idiocy and bland foods are all that is left of the multiverse.
1 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users