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Hello everybody!
I decided that since a lot of new players will be flowing in due to RLD's expansion to the consoles, I will write a guide to help all noobs grasp the basics of each of the mechs we have right now! Even though this will become obsolete in the wake of the next patch, it's the thought that counts.
There are 3 mech classes in Hawken:
- A class
- Slightly bigger A class
- Useless class
The A classes go the fastest and are preferred by those willing to accept the mosquito as their spirit animal. As a result, you they take less guns to kill so there's that.
The B classes are normal ones. You should always play B classes because they're objectively better.
The C classes probably use tumblr, idk.
Let's dive right into the mechs!
A-CLASS MECHS:
Scott: Scott is a very fast mech. He has a cough gun as his starting weapon that is very good at making people ill and also dead. His other weapon is a bigger cough gun that coughs louder but not as fast. It is also very good at killing. His third weapon is used by hipsters so basically don’t use it. The lore of this mech is that a guy called Scott made this mech and it was a very powerful mech that has a cylinder for a face. It’s so nice to see RLD delving into the lore, right?
Fill-in Traitor: Fill-in Traitor is also very fast. His first weapon fires your courage at the enemy so it’s only good if you’re feeling confident in yourself. I can’t seem to get it to work. His second weapon is that third weapon that Scott use it but seeing as it is on this mech, it’s okay. It fires heat at the enemy so it only really works if you’ve paid your heating bills, but I think most people do that anyway. His third weapon is called “Peter” for some reason. I think Peter made the weapon. Everyone knows Peter. It basically fires Christmas decorations that stick to walls so they probably spent a lot of glue on it. Peter must have really liked Christmas.
Bee-Herker: It’s a bee.
Tech support: Tech support says his name is Charlie but we all know it isn’t. He’s Indian and we know it. He was added to the game to create diversity and it’s working pretty well: Some hate him, and some REALLY hate him. Very diverse opinions if you ask me. His first weapon is that tennis ball launcher that I didn’t buy at the £1 shop the other day. It’s pretty good at making the enemy see blue for some reason. His secondary weapon is a healing beam that’s basically the German Medic’s healing gun from Tetris. It can make mechs feel a bit better about themselves so they can fight more.
Peeper: He’s probably friends with Peter. Their names sound alike. Maybe they’re twins. Anyway, Peeper has the great ability of peeping on people, hence the name. He can look at people really closely from afar. This also helps him when he wants people dead. He has a gun that refuses to let me forget that it’s a pothead. It makes so much smoke. It probably fires bullets but I can’t see behind all this weed vape. His second gun is call the “Ahm Sahrry.” I think it’s American because of how it is said. I don’t speak fluent American. His third gun says it is a slug but it looks nothing like one. What a rip-off.
So, that’s the A classes out of the way! That was a fun ride, but now it’s time for the Boring-Classes!
B-CLASS MECHS:
Salt: Akin to its name, it uses the salt from the tears of its victims to fuel its desire to turn Hawken into a fast-paced skill-based arena shooter into a game of Overwatch. Its first weapon is a P90. It’s really good at firing lots of popcorn pellets. Actually I’m not sure if it’s a P90 at all. I think it’s a popcorn machine. Oh well. It’s better than his second weapon: The Salt Rifle. This one is basically the drunk uncle of the first one. It’s longer so it’s very good at impressing the technicians. The third weapon is a repurposed stripper pole. It spins a lot. That’s all there is to it.
G2-Salt: Now Salt has TWO salt shakers!
See Our Tea: Probably British. He doesn’t see much use anymore because of Brexit. Thanks, Brexit. He used to dominate the world, much like Britain, but then America said “no wait dont do that” and now he just sulks in the corner. At least he is a good microwave. He has all of the weapons of the Salt but in different orders. I’m having trouble telling if the Salt got it in the wrong order, or if See Our Tea did.
Loser: Aptly named because only losers use him. Again, he has all the weapons of the previous two but in different orders. This time, though, he has rockets that are slow but follow people. He also has an ability that makes the mean words hurt less for a short amount of time so he can tank more damage. Good on you, Loser.
Afraider: This one is named Afraider because it makes other people afraid because of its guns and because it can run really fast if it wants to. It is also the only mech you should play because it is the most powerful one and the most good-looking. His first weapon is called the re-flapjack because it delivers delicious justice. There is also a gun he has called the Y43 Colt. Colt made this gun. That means its good. You can fire it right away or wait for a bit and make it fire in one big go, much like something that everyone does and it’s perfectly natural, you can admit it. You know what I’m talking about. You do it in the toilet often. That’s right: Taking a poop. Just let it out, my friend. His third gun is Peter’s gun. Even Peter likes this mech.
Predated: As the name suggests, this mech is predated. I don’t know what that means. This mech is very interesting because it uses two contrasting categories for its weapons: A stapler and a fridge magnet launcher. Yes I am sure that the latter exists. I have one. The fridge magnet explodes and the stapler is really good at disappearing when I need it most. Seriously, I get a bunch of papers and as soon as I want to staple it, the stapler decides to vanish when I always see it around the house when I do not need it. Anyway, the Predated mech is really good at cosplaying as a window so people can’t see it. That is what it thinks, at least. Everyone can see windows, so the cosplay only usually works on bugs. It had other weapons but I forgot what those are.
Harp-shooter: It’s basically a bigger Peeper. It has two mouth rings at the front so it’s going through it’s edge phase. Don’t listen to it when it says that “this is who I really am”. He won’t be listening to you because he'd be blasting Linkin Park on his earphones.
That was the B class list! Informed? You should be! Let’s get onto the Brownie-hogger class!
C-CLASS MECHS:
Rocky: Nah.
Bawler: I would be bawling too if I looked as ugly as this thing. It has Scott’s big cough gun which he probably borrowed without permission. It works well, though. His second weapon is a bigger version of the “Ahm Sahrry” so he can apologise more. His third weapon is the repurposed stripper pole that he took from Loser. That’s rough, man. He just wants some fun. A great feature of Bawler is that he has two big arms to cover his face in case anyone says mean things to him. He also regains his confidence within this time, slowly but surely.
Granny: This mech is good. She will tell you about her stories in the spanish civil war and will completely forget how to aim because she is old. It’s okay though, because she doesn’t need it. She fires grenades that bounce everywhere and will eventually hit the enemy. Her second weapon is the HEAT cannon which will always work for her because of her pension money to pay for the heating bills. Nobody uses the third unless they’re skrubs. If your granny is like mine, she can go batshit insane for a few seconds, allowing her to do more damage. Someone tell me if I should be worried about that.
Van: Just like in real life: If you see one, you shouldn’t trust it. It stole Scott’s cough gun for his second weapon! That’s just rude, man. His first weapon is the P90. On second thought, maybe the P in P90 stands for popcorn so it is actually both a gun and a popcorn maker. Has any of you actually thought of that? If you have, please stop, I’m patenting it now. His third weapon is, yet again, the stripper pole! Mechs really seem to like poles. Just like the Bawler, Van has arms to shield off rude words but he does it better: His arms are more swol so he can block words more better.
G2-Afraider: It’s such a shame to see the Afraider go off the rails like this. He showed up to my Friday party and ate all the brownies. Now his metabolism has decreased and he can’t get fit anymore. It’s a shame. He can still run fast but he gets too tired. People keep comparing him to a turkey. Now he just shouts “gobble gobble” so people can look past the fact that he’s fat and accept him for who he truly is.
Flammenwerfer: It werfs flammens. You shoot for a bit then press F and everyone does. I hate Flammenwerfer. I hate it so much.
So, that’s it! I hope you are well informed! Now get out there, and PLAAAYYY DIRRR-
Whoops, wrong game.
Now get out there, and WAR IS A MACHINE!
Really, Adhesive? What a terrible slogan.
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